Red in memory

 Lately aku mengalami uncomfortness. 

Dulu bile I rasa uncomfort, I had an internet friend. We never met. but we were very close online.  he always shared funny reels, funny  vtt to me. (all about pondan or cinta terlarang). I signed up TT because of him ! 

or during my bad days, I had go through his ig stories. We love talking about pondan’s fashion . “ ko pulak lawo” 

He thought I was gay. so he always shared reel about ponde or about cinta terlarang. actually he was ys’ internet friend. 

back early 2025 i sent so many vtt to him , but he never replied. I was wondering where did he go . rupanya dia dah takde. I tak tahu dia tengah struggling on health issue. pasal dia selalu cakap nak kurus je.  I was so sedih. pasal i takde dah kawan to cheer me up during my mourning period. 

I miss you Red. AlFatihah.

Do you know what hurt the most.

 You know what hurt the most

Hmm. People who once understood you no longer understand you.

I miss you

 dont you miss me. yes everyday i doa, Ya Allah janganlah aku ingat kat dia . yes kadang it reda sekejap. but dia datang balik. are you manifesting me? lah tibe manifesting pulak. 

yeah i know you read this. dont you? yes u Fernando.

, "the saxophone is getting louder"

 You know what, kan I ade cerita that I sekarang tengah solat istikharah whether I should teruskan helping my brother to do this job or just ditch myself out.

fyi the company under my name has been in hiatus in about a year dah pasal I tak de satu sijil untuk teruskannya. and guess what , masalah tu dah selesai in a blink. tiba2 i dapat sijil tu, and selesai dalam satu minggu je. yang i tunggu dekat setahun. 

hmm Ya Allah , adakah aku kena teruskan. which is I malas. tapi setiap kali abang aku asked to prepare the documents, aku kesian pulak. aku buat je. alaaaaa nak teruskan ke tak ni!

Training season’s over

“ I finally got the message. He didnt love me. He didnt even like me” -  Meryl Streep The Prom

He didnt even remember on the last time I met him . It was 3 weeks ago. He said it was 4 weeks ago. 

Why I always like this huh . 

Kenapalah aku suka membina cerita dalam fikiran ( hmm perasan) that people that i like will like me back. aigoo.

Macam mana ni. kena move ong ke? best tau ade perasaan menyukai orang. Now I nak buat apa dengan hidup ini. so sad. 

bye lah Dr.F. Semoga adik ( terus panggil adik, untuk menjarakkan perasaan) berjumpa dengan orang yang mempunyai wavelenght perasaan sama2 suka dengan adik. okay bye.

do you miss me when i miss you

 3 minggu ni adalah paling lama tak jumpa.serious rinduh. howwmm bile lepas ni i discontinue the shots? dont you miss me babe? kenapalah i kena hadapi mende ni di usia begini. ingat dah habis zaman mende2 gini. aigooo. 

do you miss me when i miss you

 masuk 3 minggu tak nampak. macam mana ni.