Do you know what hurt the most.

 You know what hurt the most

Hmm. People who once understood you no longer undeestand you.

I miss you

 dont you miss me. yes everyday i doa, Ya Allah janganlah aku ingat kat dia . yes kadang it reda sekejap. but dia datang balik. are you manifesting me? lah tibe manifesting pulak. 

yeah i know you read this. dont you? yes u Fernando.

, "the saxophones are getting louder"

 You know what, kan I ade cerita that I sekarang tengah solat istikharah whether I should teruskan helping my brother to do this job or just ditch myself out.

fyi the company under my name has been in hiatus in about a year dah pasal I tak de satu sijil untuk teruskannya. and guess what , masalah tu dah selesai in a blink. tiba2 i dapat sijil tu, and selesai dalam satu minggu je. yang i tunggu dekat setahun. 

hmm Ya Allah , adakah aku kena teruskan. which is I malas. tapi setiap kali abang aku asked to prepare the documents, aku kesian pulak. aku buat je. alaaaaa nak teruskan ke tak ni!

Training season’s over

“ I finally got the message. He didnt love me. He didnt even like me” -  Meryl Streep The Prom

He didnt even remember on the last time I met him . It was 3 weeks ago. He said it was 4 weeks ago. 

Why I always like this huh . 

Kenapalah aku suka membina cerita dalam fikiran ( hmm perasan) that people that i like will like me back. aigoo.

Macam mana ni. kena move ong ke? best tau ade perasaan menyukai orang. Now I nak buat apa dengan hidup ini. so sad. 

bye lah Dr.F. Semoga adik ( terus panggil adik, untuk menjarakkan perasaan) berjumpa dengan orang yang mempunyai wavelenght perasaan sama2 suka dengan adik. okay bye.

do you miss me when i miss you

 3 minggu ni adalah paling lama tak jumpa.serious rinduh. howwmm bile lepas ni i discontinue the shots? dont you miss me babe? kenapalah i kena hadapi mende ni di usia begini. ingat dah habis zaman mende2 gini. aigooo. 

do you miss me when i miss you

 masuk 3 minggu tak nampak. macam mana ni. 

Will you marrry me?

Baru ni I gi basuh kereta. So ade lah mak chic sorang with her daughter and grandaughter. sembang2 social kampung , then suddenly the makchic asked me. 

“ Kawen dok lagi ni?”

at this age. 40. orang baru started tanya perihal kahwin. maybe orang nampak aku muda . well millenial. 

Tak tahu la. 

Will you marry me?

you know to whom I want to marry before ? Yes I want to marry TT . not because I love him. because.. he lives less than 5 minutes from my house. yes kalau kawen and gaduh senang nak balik rumah. I knew him since we were in primary. and i know hes single.  and hes 42. 

Even he is jobless ( i guess)err okay freelance . takpe duit belanja kite asing2. hes a musican, he is a photographer. he sells pictures .he knows how to make good coffee. so okay la. tapi tu lah dia pun taknak kt I kot. 

back 2022 ade jugak kenal orang. Masa tu I cakap if ade orang ajak date keluar. I setuju je. biasalah Allah akan uji apa yang kite cakap. All of sudden ade lelaki asked me out. tak handsome, semua tak ada dalam checklist. tapi I tak keluar pun jugak. sampailah suatu hari i like a month bertukar pendapat. I rasa nak ajak dia keluar. and guess what he was married on that day. Alhamdulillah, so tak payah nak kat dia. 

I penah sign up for tinder. it was only last for 5 hours, lepas scroll jumpa dokter yang i selalu nampak dekat fyp. dia beli tinder premium. then i paranoid, i taknak situasi bila kita blind date. sampai2 like “ Lah dia ni!?” so I deleted the account. 

So here I am. I am not pretty. Im old, I only have money for myself. I have a sick brother to take care of. I have nothing to give to a marriage. But I kelakar. I can make you laugh with my silly jokes. yes my garang ustazah, berair air mata laughed at my silly jokes. I can listen to your story. I can make you tell your story. I only cook for myself and my brother. Pretty simple meal.

hmm will you marry me? errr.